You know you need to lose weight when...

- Someone tells you to wipe your chin and you have to pause and wonder which one.

- Your inner thighs make holes in your jeans.

- You go over a bump in your car and your tummy shakes.

- It takes the underside of your arms two whole minutes to stop jiggling.

- Your stomach enters a room before you do.

- When you dance vigorously, you go one way and your stomach another.

- People go on and on about your childbearing hips.

- You wear maternity pants even though you're not pregnant.

- When someone pokes you, her finger disappears into your many folds.

- You have more creases and folds than a shirt that just came out of the dryer.

- A sofa that comfortably seats two can only fit you.

- You weight twice your partner's weight.

- Your butt should have its own postcode.

- Even your feet start to look fat.

- A plus size store has nothing that will fit you.

- What should be a caftan fits you like a skintight Lycra top.

- Your fingers look like sausages.

- People ask how many months you're gone.

- You lie down on your side and your tummy leans too.

- You choose the marshmallow man when asked which celebrity you look like the most.

- You look at Roseanne Barr and envy her figure.

- You have to purchase two tickets when you fly or take the bus.

- You don't have to pad your stomach when you dress up as Santa Claus.